sourgoingmad

suala98@hotmail.com — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 21:09:40 GMT

So this is the first post to a journal in a long time. I am kind of taken aback by the idea that the only journal I write on is read by people. And indeed it makes it a letter to those who read it and not really a journal.
I am tired of being lonely. I am tired of the knowledge that I might never be one with anyone again. I am terrified by the idea that I might live the rest of my life alone.
I have carried on the road i started so long ago. I have walked so far into it... that I myself recognize how foreign and bizarre the idea of what I believe in might sound to some people. I am tired of being afraid of sounding weird and it is so paradoxical because the instance somebody gives me the 'you're crazy' look I lose any respect I have for them.
I'm tired of this american complacency of everything. I am tired of not being treated as a person but as a target market. I am tired of walking through seas of zombies and robots and see their faces of disdain, them, even them lost in the darkness...with arrogance in their faces. Yet I guess no one lacks it. I am tired of the values that we place on things and ideas. I am tired of intolerance and ignorance. I am tired of assimilation and laziness.
Who is going to fight for you and me, if not you and me?
Damn caffeine gets me in a bad mood.
Disregard this, but don't.

Hmm

suala98@hotmail.com — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 20:56:04 GMT

I am gliding above, just skimming the surface
of a silvery dove, peaceful and patient
elusive and honest, tactless and blunt
profiles of children, all laughing and crying
being flayed and mistreated
neglected and disrespected
forced to be, without asking his opinion
who is here, and who dissappears?
who seems to be gone at time?
and who comes back to cry?
The monster are there, just under the blanket.
Close your eyes and listen, pay attention to the darkness
they are there for you too, just as they are for me
I am the lightning. I am the he. I am the rain.
You are afraid, you are afraid to reign.

you grok?

suala98@hotmail.com — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 03:25:17 GMT

suala98@hotmail.com — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 17:51:56 GMT

My recent acid trip sent me on a wave of rediscoveries...everywhere from Interpol, to Beatles...and this little gem of a song I used to sing along to laying on my bed, maybe crying, maybe feeling all the intensities that innocence lets us feel when we're still young... i was lucky enough to have come to know Heroes del Silencio. I warrant NONE of my readers have heard of them. They are considered by many, the most influential spanish rock band to date. If you lack the patience to listen to music in spanish, let me fill the little nook in your brain and how to file them. A mix of Led Zeppelin and Van Halen, Poems for Lyrics, infused with a certain feeling of European experience, wisdom and arrogance...they are from spain. The video, lyrics, and translated lyrics for probably their slowest, but one of their most powerful songs.

Las palabras fueron avispas
y las calles como dunas
cuando aun te espero llegar

En un ataúd guardo tu tacto y una corona
con tu pelo enmarañado
queriendo encontrar un arcoiris infinito

Mis manos que aún son de hueso
y tu vientre sabe a pan
la catedral es tu cuerpo

Eras verano y mil tormentas
y el neon que sonríe a las paredes
que he vuelto a pintar del mismo el color

No sé distinguir entre besos y raíces
no sé distinguir lo complicado de lo simple
Y ahora estás en mi lista
de promesas a olvidar
todo arde si le aplicas
la chispa adecuada

El fuego que era a veces propio
la ceniza siempre ajena
blanca esperma resguardando por la espina dorsal

Ya somos más viejos y sinceros y que más da
si miramos la laguna como llaman a la eternidad
de la ausencia

No sé distinguir entre besos y raíces
no sé distinguir lo complicado de lo simple
Y ahora estás en mi lista
de promesas a olvidar
todo arde si le aplicas la chispa adecuada

No sé distinguir entre besos y raíces
no sé distinguir lo complicado de lo simple
Y ahora estás en mi lista
de promesas a olvidar
todo arde si le aplicas la chispa adecuada

suala98@hotmail.com — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 06:56:24 GMT

god, you suck so bad. somebody described you as too full of yourself. i agree.

suala98@hotmail.com — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 04:33:00 GMT

I am the unwilling but accepting spectator of the consciousness this body experiences.
I am not hector, nor do I exist. I am the infinite sea that flows into a floating bottle.
When the bottle sinks or breaks I will be released into non-spectation, non-observing.
The vessel or the temple that is this body is no more than a cage...
A cage victim to chance and circumstance.
A being in a planet, in a solar system in a galaxy in a universe
It experiences the present and the present only
The past and future do not exist
They are the relativistic illusion experienced by a sentient who can form memories
I am the doors of heaven presenting myself unto you
I am a missionary on the street asking if you know what life is.
What is life then?
It is no more than the space between my psychosomatic machine and my freedom.

Unnamed in a forgotten notebook

suala98@hotmail.com — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 20:56:54 GMT

Sweaty thighs, excited heart and sexual honesty
Where is this found besides upon my heart?
Talk to me.

-------
I sat on the lake today
Saw many masterpieces float by
let myself be healed by the splashes of ducks
was the wind-wave on the surface of the water
saw an angry deep thinker in the clouds
saw a lonely duck and became it
left my fears and became the colors in the sky
forgot my consciousness and became friend of all
saw my heart's burden and let it sink to the bottom of the lake
where worries live
the wind made me BE

Heaven is a chair

suala98@hotmail.com — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 20:51:33 GMT

If I were to look at a chair, it would be no more than that... a chair. How simple, how terrible. All that I have lived that makes me FEEL a certain way in relation to the chair is what blinds me to the heavenly nature of the chair. The chair is heaven, yet I don't see it because I've lived in the world for 22 years.
Tomorrow I will see a chair, and if I have succeeded in my quest. I will see heaven. If my ego is not there to distort my perception of the chair/heaven I will have succeeded. If I feel separate from the chair I will have failed. If I am not the chair I will have failed. If the chair is just a chair, and not all encompassing beauty, bliss truth and consciousness I will have failed. If my looking at the chair is a conscious willful decision I will have failed. If being is all I experience, I will have succeeded. If my thumb is cut off and I suffer physically with a spooky detachment I will have succeeded. If my best friend dies and for one second I wish he/she had not, I will have failed. If I am not the walrus I have accomplished nothing.
Who is the buddha? You are the buddha.
The buddha statue in my altar must be firewood waiting for a cold night.

Super Vision

suala98@hotmail.com — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 18:08:39 GMT

Hey guys, I came upon this article on vision and optics.
The Part on tetrachromatic vision is particularly fascinating.
http://www.slate.com/id/2079371/

Past 2 Day's Daily Buddhist Meditations

suala98@hotmail.com — Sat, 17 Feb 2007 22:05:12 GMT

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. - The Beatles

Buddhism has the characteristics of what would be expected in a cosmic religion for the future: it transcends a personal God, avoids dogmas and theology; it covers both the natural spiritual, and it is based on a religious sense aspiring from the experience of all things, natural and spiritual, as a meaningful unity. - Albert Einstein

I'm sick and lonely y'all.

suala98@hotmail.com — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 01:03:18 GMT

Dear Weather:

Fuck You. I hate you. Leave.

suala98@hotmail.com — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 21:33:51 GMT

hey dude, what's up?
can i get a holla?

thanks

suala98@hotmail.com — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 18:38:49 GMT

a little cheer me up in the horrible apocalyptic time we're all going through...

suala98@hotmail.com — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 17:31:57 GMT

QUE PASA chicle?
i really feel sorry for my ethics test...i mean, nothing, no one should go through the kind of humiliation that I just made that little blue book experience. When i was turning it in, i could kinda hear it whimpering and moaning... "heeector...no!!! categorical imperatives say you shouldN't treat me like this...the doctrine of the mean tells you to be friendly and nice.."
to which i responded:
listen bitch, i've been horny and awake for TWENTY-SEVEN MOTHERFUCKIN hours, you deserve the new orifice...
alright people...
have a beautiful thanksgiving...
it is true, i've been awake for 27 hours, and i'm going to go get WASTED.
rock on
ROOOOCK OOON

Speechless

suala98@hotmail.com — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 17:03:17 GMT

Feeling much better:

Yea, I'm pissed, and it HAS to go somewhere

suala98@hotmail.com — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 05:09:48 GMT

Blah fucking blah...here it is again, the same shitstorm...and in the midst of all the bullshit other bullshit becomes clear... my life is being completely restructured and not all of the changes are cool... people suck...yes people suck so much of the time...they never take the time to be nice, they want friendship only when everything is fine, ditch you when it get's heavy and expect to be friends once it all cools down... i hate how lonely this road is, and how seldom you see people walking it... i hate not being able to speak my mind because at this point I am so far down the road that even I sometimes doubt the sanity of it all
but how fucking ironic, that all it boils down to is that I believe in something that requires faith... and people give me the weird eye...you know what...I've stopped giving a shit.
I've had too much time to think about this, experienced too much of it, read too much about it, discussed it too much and deliberated on it too much to entertain your narrowmindedness

are you offended? don't be, i'm not talking specifically about you.

Monica...this is for you

suala98@hotmail.com — Wed, 15 Nov 2006 17:07:42 GMT

mira que lindo...

suala98@hotmail.com — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 04:58:45 GMT

suala98@hotmail.com — Sat, 11 Nov 2006 20:42:04 GMT

I just bought my ticket to honduras...
And you know what? It feels fantastic.
To leave all of this for a month of beautiful weather with my family.
To take a break from inconsistent friendship.
To breathe and forget about school.
To clean my system of everything.
To hug my people and remind them I love them.
To start over with a clean new slate.
To get some sunshine and come back with an awesome tan (yes guys, even tanner).
To eat frijoles fritos, tortillas, platano, honduran cheese... that kicks wisconsin cheese's ass (i know because i've tried them both, don't contradict me if you haven't tried both ;)
to go to the movies.
to bathe in a pool or jacuzzi,
to go hunting,
to see good friends,
to have fresh clean ironed clothes (yep i'm spoiled, kill me if it doesnt feel good to have it),
to go spend a weekend at the beach
to play basketball with my beautiful brothers
to have the time to pursue whatever what i want...for one whole month
to escape from the alcoholic escapism rampant here that so many of us engage in
....what more can i ask for?
"otra corona! ...traigase algo pa picar tambien...!"

suala98@hotmail.com — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 19:43:06 GMT

What are those Mexicans up to? Apparently taking the role of example-setting American Hicks forfeited when they passed the Civil Union Ban.

Ah the irony!

Hicks should listen to mexico.

suala98@hotmail.com — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 21:30:42 GMT

i think babies and children understand life better than adults
that is why they like stickers so much...if you know me and my general life belief you will understand this line

a pro po.... what is the difference between your inner opinions on people and inner judgment on people?
any ideas?

I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING WALRUS

suala98@hotmail.com — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 21:52:33 GMT

you got time? time to listen? brain to understand? drive to better? belief for life? friend of hector? i don't care if you don't go here...but i'd like you to.

Metastify-Unify-Smartify-Purposify-Friendify-GetRidofyourstupidarrogancify

It is too clear and so it is hard to see.
A dunce once searched for a fire with a
lighted lantern.
Had he known what fire was,
He could have cooked his rice much sooner.

- Joshu Washes the Bowl, The Gateless Gate #7
Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, p. 176

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together

Elementary penguins singing hare krishna, man you should have seen him

Kicking edgar allan poe

suala98@hotmail.com — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 13:32:17 GMT

The next time I fall in love will be the first time I fall in love, a new different love...damn it's gonna be interesting.
And it's all because of a fateful TRIP to chicago.

------------------------
whateverm that was some old post i never finished...
it is 8:22 am and i find myself in the library...
it is the second night this week that i have been here all night and i feel fanfuckingtastic
i was just listenng to "i am the walrus" and the joy it brings to my heart is on par or comparable in quality to the joy a religious fanatic (yea, my thesaurus is kinda fucked up right now) receives when he listens to a praise song or a hymn
i'm gonna go try and sleep a bit before my test, see if that works out a little bit, but im afraid of sleeping through it...
blah..don't know what else to say but blah

HAAAAHAAAA!

suala98@hotmail.com — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 19:15:57 GMT

Dear Diary,
Long time no post...how's it been LJ?
Sucky? I figure, with the abundance of inconsequential bullshit that people make you listen to.
But yea, that's your job, and you committed to...and evidently it looks like you are happy. Thank you for providing this service to us...for being the cesspool of insecurity of our generation. Thank you for being the undiscovered repository of many great and brilliant ideas and minds yet to be discovered. But most of all, thank you for listening.
I am going to try something out here, something that perhaps only you can understand fully, because really, you are inanimate and therefore ME. The other animates however may be stumped, and yet other animates may come very close to understanding what it is I really mean when I breathe.
So without further ado, my consciousness/contribution to your suckiness:
VROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM
BOOM KAPUSH KAPUSH KAPUSH VEEEEIEIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PFFFFUUUAWWWW
THONK!!!!!!!!!!
Silence!
la vida me ha cambiado, soy el molde y soy el barro
subsistence is enough now...no desires more than necessary
all the fun i ever need, is resting safely on my shoulders
and never again, will i be troubled by your childish boulders
i am clear, free and libre... i need naught but you
i am tired of handing it with a baby spoon
i am tired of your inability to comprehend
it is not fair for me to suffer you, for it is a waste of my time
"oh yes" you might think.... "the mighty arrogant hector..."
but again i say... THAT is a waste of my time.
LOVE is extended from you to everywhere
i receive it, toy around with it, let it drive me
let it open my eyes with humility, for your love is not a waste of my time
i have no FUCKING TIME for transactions and accomodations
i have no time for games...i will not PARTAKE.
if you're not in the know, it is not your fault
and i feel for you...and will try and help as much as i can
but it is up to you...ultimately...and you know it...
quit wasting MORE FUCKING TIME.
Realize this:
there is no time for doubt
there is no time for lies
there is no time for unfriendliness
there is no time for assumption
there is no time for war
there is no time for strife
there is no time for arrogance
there is no time for enemies
there is no time for your bullshit

THERE IS ONLY time for:
LOVE

there is only time for openness
there is only time for courtesy
there is only time for honest nice
there is only time for honesty
there is only time for peace
there is only time for friendship
there is only time for understanding
there is only time for truth
there is only time for progress
there is only time for prayer - i don't care how/who you do it to
there is only time for unification
there is only time for higher pleasures
there is only time for eternal bliss and the WAY to it.

suala98@hotmail.com — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 18:08:40 GMT

i'm so sick and tired of all the bullshit
it's all inconsequential bullshit
grades, money, examinations, commitments, accountability
what is all this leaning for anyway...
it does not inflame me or move me to passion
or maybe it's just the adderall crash
where is she? she that should be here to move me?
she that nneds to be here to soothe me?
why can't i find it/her? am i so out of touch with reality
or is it just the majority that is just so out of touch with reality
it is so hard to study for something which i'm not passionate for
when it is so fucking obvious to me that it is all inconsequential
then it is so hard to escape a compromise
so hard to wait for freedom
all i should be doing is living
and all this fucking bullshit demands my attention
as if it even matters, as if grades can quantify the value of your learning
i'm sick of it, at least for today

bad news for people who love bad news:
http://www.bloodletters.com/hackyourself.shtml